Bad Romance: Uncovering scams that pull at heartstrings

These days, it’s almost impossible to not be a target of ID theft, fraud, or any other number of scams — whether it’s simply clicking on a bad link that results in malware on your computer, having a credit card number stolen, being preyed on by telephone scammers, or even having your Social Security number stolen and used for nefarious purposes. There are some bad actors out there, and if you have managed to escape unscathed so far, consider yourself fortunate.

One common scam that can be particularly devastating is online romance scams. It may sound like a trap you’d never allow yourself to fall into, but these scams are sophisticated, and the psychology employed by the scammers is flat-out devious. To give you an idea of the size of this problem, in 2019, the FTC received 39,875 complaints about romance scams with monetary losses around $483 million. Only four years later (2023), both the number of reports (64,003) and total losses ($1.14 billion) have increased significantly.^1footnote

Upscale or wealthy retirees are frequent targets of these scammers for several reasons — they may be more trusting, less familiar with current technology or lonely and unsuspecting. They also may have substantial savings or valuable assets that can be exploited and are less likely to tell others when they have been scammed. Let’s talk about a few things to look for, how to protect yourself or a loved one, and what you can do if this does happen to you or someone you know.

How do these scams work?

Most romance scams start on social media. In fact, a third of the people who reported losing money in 2021 said they were initially contacted through Facebook or Instagram.^2footnote Other starting points can be online dating sites, LinkedIn, or anywhere else you have a visual profile. Usually, the scam starts with someone unexpectedly contacting you on one of these platforms. Their profile is designed to make them look kind, attractive, and smart. They may not look familiar, but if you have friends that have inadvertently connected with them, it might look like you have common connections — when you really don’t.

After the initial contact and a few direct interactions to get you talking and establish a connection, the person will then often try to move the conversation to a more private channel — like text or email. Some things to look out for at this stage:

• The person may claim to live in another part of the country.
• They may claim to be deployed overseas for either military or work purposes.
• After a brief period, they may start to express strong feelings for you.
• You discuss meeting in person, but something will always prevent the person from meeting you face-to-face.
• The person may say there is a medical or business emergency that requires you to send them money in the form of gift cards, debit cards, direct wires, or cryptocurrency — which they promise to pay back.

If you notice any of these things, stop communicating with the person and report them.

Warning signs and ways to protect yourself.

So, what can you do to protect yourself from one of these scams and not fall for a person whose sole objective is to fleece you of all your money?

• First, just be careful. Be suspicious of out-of-the-blue messages from people you don’t know. Take it slow and ask lots of questions. You may be able to figure out that the person is not who they say they are from the beginning.
• Once you have some information on the person, Google them. Spend some time searching names, photos, and other information to see if “Isabelle from Ibiza” is actually “Steve from Trenton, NJ.” Analyze profile photos to see if there are any signs that the image is AI generated or may be someone else.
• AI has made writing better, but still be on the look for choppy English, typos, or bad grammar. Often, this is a red flag for a scammer.
• Be careful about what you post on social media. Sharing information about the death of a spouse, divorce, career info, or anything pertaining to personal wealth makes it easier for a predator to identify you as a target with money and valuable assets.
• Never send cash, wire transfers, electronic payment, cryptocurrency, gift cards, or reloadable debit cards. If you do, that money is likely unrecoverable.
• If you have an older friend or family member that may be less familiar with how these scams work, Casey Morgan, Commerce Bank Retail Operations Director, shares this advice: “As with any scam, education is the best defense. Knowing if a family member is on Facebook, or other social media platform, and having a conversation with them about scams is key. If somebody reaches out to you out-of-the-blue, it’s the first telltale sign of a potential scam.”

Don’t let your feelings get the best of you.

Part of what makes these scams so effective is the willingness of the scammer to play the “long game.” They are willing to let a relationship develop over a long period of time to gain trust. They play on emotions, take advantage of kindness or naïveté, and appear to become so invested in personal lives that their affections seem completely legit. Love is a funny and powerful thing; and once you are convinced you have made a connection with someone, the rational part of the brain is very reluctant to believe it is not real. To make things more complicated, AI technology has now given some of these scammers the ability to let a chatbot do all the work of a real person.

Remember, scammers come in all shapes and sizes. They are constantly looking for ways to infiltrate your accounts and use your personal information for their personal and financial gain. That may take place over the phone, via text, through email, by snail mail, or through social media channels. The first and best line of defense is to be attentive and pay close attention to your accounts and what you share online. To help you avoid scams, your CommercePremier Banker can provide access to tools designed to combat identity theft and fraud. (Explore some of our additional strategies on how to fight fraud before it happens in our Ideas and Tips center.

If you or someone you love have (or think you have) been a victim of an online romance scam, you can report it to the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center and the FTC.